I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
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I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
How is it still this week?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.