I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
You Might Also Like
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern