Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

called in thicc to work this morning

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly