I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
You Might Also Like
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
That’s a good costume, I hope.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef