I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

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I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between


I’m not saying I’m bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot.

In other news, I might not know what bilingual means.


I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*


How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.


Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.


Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!


OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha


[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people


Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?


My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.


I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.