I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
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I’m not saying I’m bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot.
In other news, I might not know what bilingual means.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
OBAMA: I’m resigning
OBAMA: haha gotcha
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.