I’m being attacked 😭
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People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
mariah carrie
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.