Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

Optional boss fight.

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

Name this drama.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??