Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

😂🥴

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

*checks Timeline*…

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers