I’m being attacked 😭
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Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre