I’m being attacked 😭
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My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
watching gymnastics
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I would move hell over six inches for you
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
😆this is so true
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination