Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

This is my emotional support knife.

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: Hey!

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…

Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.

me: Beetlejuice…

Beetlejuices: please stop.

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.