I’m being attacked 😭
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Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming