Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

noooooo don’t hurt yourself

let me do it

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.