I’m being attacked 😭
You Might Also Like
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Check out the legs on this baby
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Put the is in disheveled
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.