I’m being attacked 😭
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Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what