I’m being attacked 😭
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The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.