I’m being attacked 😭
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Does beer think about me too?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!