Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

Spoiler Alert: I was late

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.