Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

(Jupiter –

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*