Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

That lamp looks PISSED.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.