I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
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Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..