I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
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*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
