I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
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H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
🤣😂🤣😂
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.