I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
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I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Duolingo getting serious.
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
whatcha thinkin bout
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You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet