I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
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My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.