I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
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Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
So Hamburger help me, God
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him