Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse