Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?