Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

Thursday Thought.

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

Buying a well is money well spent.

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?