Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER