I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.

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If we start calling it ‘potato juice’, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??


Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle


Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.


Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively


I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.


[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.


Congratulations, “journalists” who tell celebrity gossip for a living. I didn’t know you could get a degree in teenage girl.