If we start calling it ‘potato juice’, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??
I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.
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[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Congratulations, “journalists” who tell celebrity gossip for a living. I didn’t know you could get a degree in teenage girl.