me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
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Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”