I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.

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Autocorrect just changed “what are your plans” to “plants”. Yes autocorrect, I’m curious if they’re growing roses or sunflowers?


Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you


It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away


You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.


I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.


By all means, have your opinion. It’s how we tell just how dumb you are.


Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.


I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”


I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.


In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”