@1okhooker

I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.

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@KKAlThani

Autocorrect just changed “what are your plans” to “plants”. Yes autocorrect, I’m curious if they’re growing roses or sunflowers?

@AbbieEvansXO

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

@0000seapea808

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

@bornmiserable

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

@WheelTod

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

@tsm560

By all means, have your opinion. It’s how we tell just how dumb you are.

@IamJackBoot

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

@causticbob

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

@krisv_723

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

@Social_Mime

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”