Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”