Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate you platonically

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

So many people to disappoint, so little time

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them