I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
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The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead