Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
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Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
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[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.