The only reason I’d buy a drone is to follow people home after their vaccine so that they think the government is tracking them.
i’m bored i think I’ll ask my husband if he’d stay single if i died suddenly and which one of my friends he thinks is hot
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“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
911: what’s your emergency
me: someone stole my watch
911: when did this happen
me: how am i supposed to know
Previously On Persistence 😎
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking “Damn I knew we shouldn’t have given him that REI gift card”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.