Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

good for her

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

What?!?

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.