Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
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Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born