I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

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I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.


When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you’d end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity’s Instagram.


*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.


Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options


Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’

My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*


When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.


captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol


*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*


finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid


I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.