I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
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When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you’d end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity’s Instagram.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’
My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.