I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
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Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Living the best life.. 😊
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.