I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
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Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW