I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
You Might Also Like
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
😎 🍻
