I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
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Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Got him!
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down