Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

[On a first date]

Her: So, what’s your favorite food?

Me: Bacon

Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?

Me: Bacon

Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Bakin’

Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?

Me: I bring home the…

Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.