I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
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Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
*frowns in Scottish*
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.