I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
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Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.