Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself