Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

want me to check your oil?

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

me refusing to leave twitter

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

Heroic Misunderstanding

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.