Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION