I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
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A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms