Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour