I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
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*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I’ve had worse
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag