Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.