Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

What do you hear?

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.