Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.