I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
oh good, now I can stop drinking
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
This will never not be funny to me.
