Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

fixed it

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.