Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

That’s no pocket rocket.

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”