Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.