Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

liiiiiiiiike

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.