I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
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I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I don’t know what to do
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do