I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.