Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

real

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.