I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
Me too door. Me too.
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.