I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Awesome parenting 😂
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.