I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
How your email finds me
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.