I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck