[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
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Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.