It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.
I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.
*more than twice.
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*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
3-year-old: A monster truck.
I don’t think insurance is going to cover that surgery.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Elephant: oh no
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp