@yoopnative

I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.

*more than twice.

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@theshamingofjay

It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

3-year-old: A monster truck.

I don’t think insurance is going to cover that surgery.

@o__0Dev

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

@flashember

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

@IvoryGazelle

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

@freshhel

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

@PleaseBeGneiss

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp