Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you