@Wine_Honey1

I’m broke so everyone’s just getting gifs for Christmas.

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@EliTerry

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

@tchrquotes

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

@HenpeckedHal

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

@AimeeHelene1

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

@sofarrsogud

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

@jonnysun

ME: woud u be open to adoption?
HUSBAND: yes
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption

@ConanOBrien

I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.

@ramzy

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*