I’m broke so everyone’s just getting gifs for Christmas.

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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.


When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.


90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.


One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.


The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!


🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably


ME: woud u be open to adoption?
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption


I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.


9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*