I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
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I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.