Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

What do you text your spouse?

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards