I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
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There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Phones down.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Confused owl: What?!
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.