I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
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I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
