I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
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When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
We’re all getting idioter.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult