Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

Oops

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.