I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
our love story in four pictures
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
