I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
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british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?