Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.