I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

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*puts a gun against a magician’s back

Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears


Me: Thank you!

Cashier: You have a good one!

Me: That’s the rumor!

Cashier: …


If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.


Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out


Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!

Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!


#bidenmeme #Election2016


If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.


The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.


8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.


If I haven’t said something mildly offensive today I’m sorry and I promise to try harder