I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
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When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Nose
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
new record!
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares