*puts a gun against a magician’s back
Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
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Me: Thank you!
Cashier: You have a good one!
Me: That’s the rumor!
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!
Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
i need a hug(e amount of cash money)
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
If I haven’t said something mildly offensive today I’m sorry and I promise to try harder