@Marlebean

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

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@YourMomsucksTho

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

@shanethevein

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

@RedRegenerated

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

@thinkcomedy

A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby

@UnFitz

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

@SteveStfler

Biden: Ok here’s the plan: have you seen Home Alone
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: Just one booby trap
Obama: Joe

@CulturedRuffian

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.